(iOS Review) Kim Kardashian: Hollywood

kardashheaderThis is one of those things that I saw and I was like “I cannot believe this exists.” And I am clearly not the target demographic here but I thought it’d be fun and interesting to look at this, both as a “game” and as a pop culture spectacle.

The gist. You create a character (either a man or a woman) and you start your career as an E-list celebrity and you try to work your way up, by completing photo shoots and social gatherings, where you win currency and then can buy new clothes.

You run into Kim pretty early in the game and she offers to take you under her wing and offer jobs, such as working at their retail locations. You also run into people that may be famous in real life, though I don’t know. The definition of “famous” is also up for debate here.

So I created a guy. And I went to give him a sweet bald head and it wasn’t an option. Dammit. Everytime. Why are games so against bald guys? You’d be surprised how many lack this very simple option. Anyways, I create this tool of a guy.

kardash1That’s him. Winking. Horrible screenshot. Anyways.

How does the game work?

So, it’s the same premise as most mobile games. You have a certain amount of energy and you use that energy to do tasks and when you run out, you put your phone down for a few hours until it fills up again. Some examples of how you might use your energy… You might have a task that requires you to work at one of these retail locations. For five energy, you can fold all the shirts. For only one, you can clean the windows. When you finish these small tasks, they give you points which add up and when you hit a certain marker, you’ve completed that task. A one energy task will give you one star of completion, while a five energy task will give you five. So really… It’s easiest to just do the highest amount ones, since you’re getting an equivalent amount back.

Doing tasks like this is what the entire game is. Sometimes it will be retail, other times it will be schmoozing at a bar (one energy to flirt, three to tell jokes, etc), and other times it might be a photo shoot (one energy to check your makeup, eight energy to strike and hold a pose). There is no difference in these activities though, it’s just the phrasing of the tasks.

When you finish a task, usually someone calls you and sets up another job.

Eventually, you’ll see a Twitter-like feed that reports on how you’re doing. The better you completed the task, the more fans you get, and the higher your star power becomes.

kardash2That’s basically it. Every once in a while, you’ll level up. This grants you access to some new clothes and one silver Kardashian coin, which is like the premium currency. As far as I can tell, the clothes are purely aesthetic. At least in other fashion games, the clothes mean something and there’s an incentive to buy nicer clothes. I could wander into a photoshoot in pajamas and still do the job here.

The only really interesting component is sometimes little stories that occur between gameplay. For me, it was a rivalry with another E-list celeb named Dirk Diamonds (who may or may not be an adult star, I can’t tell).

At one point I get an update this Dirk jerk tweeted about me and I lost fans. Oh man, it’s on.

kardash3And that’s it.

Really, that’s the whole game. You can buy a house (or multiple) which you can then decorate, for zero reason. Buying anything serves zero purpose. And the actual gameplay is all just click-click-click until you run out of energy.

At least with mundane games like Farmville that work on a similar energy model, you have choice. I want to build my farm here and I want to save up for a lumber factory or whatever. Here… You can buy the home in Malibu. That’s it. No choice. You can buy this sweater that does absolutely nothing.

I feel like people playing though aren’t concerned with this. They’re not likely playing other games so they likely don’t know how much better this game could be.

It’s a shameless way to promote the Kardashian brand and make you feel like they’re relateable as people. “Kim’s so real, you know,” you’ll think, since you can just walk into her mansion whenever you want. It makes you feel like you’re climbing up the ranks of celebrity-dom but there’s nothing fun to do along the way. I’d appreciate if they had created an actual game here, but it’s not a game.

Every task is basically “If you click anywhere 100 times, you can then click another 100 times somewhere else.”

I do appreciate that it lets you choose gender and you can even attempt to romance any gender, though it usually requires premium currency, which I didn’t have.

kardash4So should you play Kim Kardashian: Hollywood?

God no. It’s a horrible facade of a game that is absolutely pointless. It’s just click-click-click without thinking. Maybe that’s their audience. But for any actual thinking individual, they’ll see through this in a second.

Please don’t.

Rating 1 Star

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About adamryen

Entertainment. Gaming. Dreaming.
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